Admist the humidity of Bangkok, I left my room in the Nana district, took the Skytrain, walked a few yards or so, bought a pineapple from a street vender (for about $0.30) and walked up the stairs to the Night of Worship room. I was feeling utterly pitiful.

I came early to help out with Frontlines, but ended up sitting in the corner for about 40 minutes. I am learning what it feels like to be a newcomer again and again. People don't mean to ignore you, yet it happens and that is just a part of life. I am not codependent on people (or so I thought). So I was there not understanding why I was feeling the way I was. Then telling myself "It's because you place your identity and comfort in your roles and what you do..." But still, that didn't alleviate my discontent. Aside from sitting there and contemplating if I had made a mistake in coming to this event, I had other thoughts that reminded me of how confused I was. I thought about my current state, of my relationship back at home. I thought about how perhaps I was the crutch that stifled growth. I didn't want to be the stumbling block, and yet I wanted to help. Then thoughts of codenpency issues arose yet again, and I was left on the floor pitifully wrying inside.

During the worship, I still felt bothered by such thoughts. I have been having such thoughts for a long period of time now and it has been hindering focus away from God. It's really tricky how this all works. One day, you feel as if you are ready to move to deeper commitments with the relationship (you know what I mean by this), other days I am ready to run run run. And all the while, I am trying to figure out: 1. Why am I acting in such a manner 2. Why is it so confusing 3. How come I can't know if this person is going to be my future spouse.

Understandably, there is a huge amount of pressure placed on me when thinking about these issues, round and round...

It's incredibly tiresome, and Satan is having much fun with it, I assure you. I try to figure out all this by judging its fruits. Is there love? Patience? Self-control? Kindness? And I'm left confused because it's both a yes and no.

Then I asked for prayer again. But this time, the experience was different. Pastor Abe truly took the time to encourage me when he was busy cleaning up the stage and such. He listened to my concerns, shared his experience with his wife Annette, and encouraged me. But the most comforting part was the prayer. I felt the Holy Spirit strongly, and a sense of calmness and peace upon my body as Abe prayed for me. After he was done, he said "I feel like crying." I knew it was the Holy Spirit giving him the compassion.

I sit here back in my room in such a peace that I haven't felt before. I am not worried about my relationship anymore. It's such a liberating feeling. I am not in control, and for once, I am okay with it.

The prayer of a righteous man is truly effective.